Solidarity – With Myself

This particular show was different from all the others, as it started at 1 PM and ended at 2 AM! (Sheesh.)

I didn’t get there until after 7 PM. Though I had plans to pop up and vibe out, one of the motivating factors for going was that my homie Bryson (Subfrequency) was coming out. Anytime bro comes into town, I make it a priority to lock in with him.

I haven’t been popping up at the local raves as much in the past six months, as I’ve been taking the time to really focus on building the life I desire on Earth. Not only wasn’t I going to raves, but I wasn’t as social in general. I drastically limited my social media postings and stopped hanging out as much. So, reintegration with people I was in the rhythm of seeing has been a delicate process. I wasn’t sure how I would be handled after not being seen for so long or as often.

As the night went on, I was having conversations left and right. In retrospect, I’m honored to know that my interactions with people do not go in vain. Even if I don’t see them often, I’ve managed to let my genuine interest and admiration for people shine. I’m inspired to know it’s been received so well.

It comes with my willingness to go outside my comfort zone. There was a time when I was still a new face in Subculture, doing my best to vibe in a scene that I fell in love with. I would just dance to the music and have conversations as they came available.

I did my best not to use what would be seen as accomplishments to seem relative or gain respect. I just flowed with the moments and allowed my actions, presence, and curiosity to guide the moment.

So, I’ve chosen not to rely on being liked. I simply show up, do my best to be fully me, and get into a flow state. I practice not getting too attached to people. This seems like a cold, stoic way to be – I am just used to people coming and going in my life. There are numerous people I had deep love for that I can barely talk to now. It used to pain me, but now I just embrace the possibility of this happening. I do this by making the most of the moment when I am with someone, even if it’s only a few minutes.

I think this contributes to my ability to be a social butterfly. Not being so attached to people keeps me moving through social circles, engaging with so many different thoughts and perspectives. This integrates well with my career as a public artist. Nevertheless, there’s still this desire in me to want to feel truly loved by the people in front of me.

Even though I’ve mastered the art of being charismatic, free-flowing, and the “life of the party,” I often feel lonely among the people. It’s something I had to embrace because I didn’t want to speak on it and have people see me as weak.

It’s as if I’m waiting for people to find something about me they don’t like, and then they’ll strategize a way to kindly get away from me. Honestly, I feel like I’m a lot to handle, so I just try my best to keep things short and meaningful so I don’t become a big disappointment.

I was one with myself, and it allowed me to enjoy everyone without fear of being rejected, judged, abandoned, disrespected, or taken advantage of. I was strong within myself—sure of the righteousness of my intentions. At peace and unbothered.

I’m in a new era of my life now. I have been doing a lot of reflection and progressing on this journey of Self. I have also been redefining my boundaries, which has allowed me to feel good with “love.” I see that I have to prioritize my needs and desires, and allow that to guide my decision-making even as I’m among the community.

When was the last time you felt truly at peace with yourself, even in the midst of a crowd? How did you get there?

Let me know – I’d love to hear your thoughts.